Esophagus Poem - Frankie M

I am[a] the esophagus[b] to serve[c][d][e].

I am the road of the motorway. [f]

Running down to the stomach.


down 8 inches, for every 2-3 seconds  

Through[h] the 4 layered pipe:[i]

I am[j] a mucosa[k], covering the surface.[l]

I am a submucosa[m], the layer of areolar connective tissue lying beneath  a mucous[n] membrane[o].

I am a muscularis propria[p], a thin layer of the gastrointestinal tract      

Just as the hands squeeze the piping from the bag, my muscles[q] send the food towards the stomach.

 I am the esophagus that serves the stomach. [r][s][t]

[a]I notice there is lots of use of I am  JK

[b]I suggest use of the English spelling. "Oe" JL

[c]I wonder if this could be more mysterious. I suggest to find a verb that has more than meaning. GK

[d]I suggest it might be as mysterious to get rid of "the stomach" and let the verb exist without a subject. MS

[e]I suggest to change to a noun phrase " I am a servant". This would also form contrast with the end line. EM

[f]I suggest more consistent use of punctuation in the opening lines. JL

[g]I praise the use of enjambment to make contrasts in line length. GJ

[h]I suggest finding a more ambitious / poetic preposition than through. AH

[i]I praise the varied use of punctation. The start of a list wit a colon. EN

[j]I notice use of "I am" as a repetitive device. KS-J

[k]I wonder what these mean? ME

[l]I notice these lines sound a bit like they are from a science textbook. I suggest that this poem could weave the technical language into the text. GK

[m]I suggest keep the technical language to introduce the part, but then use more everyday (prosaic) language to explain what it is. ME

[n]I suggest, "reaching out to the membrane canopy above."

1. Change the verb.

2 Change the noun.

[o]I praise the use of scientific language. FA

[p]I notice that there is use of technical language. TH

[q]I praise the use of personification here. FH

[r]I praise that the poem starts and ends with the same sentence, it repetition on a larger scale. EM

[s]Building on this, instead of "to", it uses "that" so there is some contrast. AG

[t]It also changes the verb so that there is agreement with "that". "Serves" instead of "serve" ME