Esophagus Poem - Frankie M
I am[a] the esophagus[b] to serve[c][d][e].
I am the road of the motorway. [f]
Running down to the stomach.
down 8 inches, for every 2-3 seconds
Through[h] the 4 layered pipe:[i]
I am[j] a mucosa[k], covering the surface.[l]
I am a submucosa[m], the layer of areolar connective tissue lying beneath a mucous[n] membrane[o].
I am a muscularis propria[p], a thin layer of the gastrointestinal tract
Just as the hands squeeze the piping from the bag, my muscles[q] send the food towards the stomach.
I am the esophagus that serves the stomach. [r][s][t]
[a]I notice there is lots of use of I am JK
[b]I suggest use of the English spelling. "Oe" JL
[c]I wonder if this could be more mysterious. I suggest to find a verb that has more than meaning. GK
[d]I suggest it might be as mysterious to get rid of "the stomach" and let the verb exist without a subject. MS
[e]I suggest to change to a noun phrase " I am a servant". This would also form contrast with the end line. EM
[f]I suggest more consistent use of punctuation in the opening lines. JL
[g]I praise the use of enjambment to make contrasts in line length. GJ
[h]I suggest finding a more ambitious / poetic preposition than through. AH
[i]I praise the varied use of punctation. The start of a list wit a colon. EN
[j]I notice use of "I am" as a repetitive device. KS-J
[k]I wonder what these mean? ME
[l]I notice these lines sound a bit like they are from a science textbook. I suggest that this poem could weave the technical language into the text. GK
[m]I suggest keep the technical language to introduce the part, but then use more everyday (prosaic) language to explain what it is. ME
[n]I suggest, "reaching out to the membrane canopy above."
1. Change the verb.
2 Change the noun.
[o]I praise the use of scientific language. FA
[p]I notice that there is use of technical language. TH
[q]I praise the use of personification here. FH
[r]I praise that the poem starts and ends with the same sentence, it repetition on a larger scale. EM
[s]Building on this, instead of "to", it uses "that" so there is some contrast. AG
[t]It also changes the verb so that there is agreement with "that". "Serves" instead of "serve" ME